Lissiel's Journal

I got my hair cut. It has long-ish layers now, that make it curl instead of frizz weirdly. The lady took more off the ends than I wanted though. It's maybe three, four inches from my belt? At least I don't need to worry about tucking it into my pants anymore.

Have read Rabbit, Run, Native Son, Evolution and Why it Matters, The Analects of K'ung Tsu, The Daxue (Higher Education) and Xiao Jing (Classic of Filial Piety), half of Graham's Disputers of the Tao, On the Warrior's Path, and The Art of Peace. Since two weeks ago. And I still have quite a bit more I'm supposed to have done. Why did I think 18 units was a good idea again?

Been playing with the slow cooker I got for Christmas. I love how convenient it is, but somehow everything I cook in it sucks. Tasteless, and unevenly cooked. :/ I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Valentines day is coming up. I guess this year we should really do something for that. Er. That doesn't involve taking the long weekend and just sleeping and catching up on homework. Probably. I don't know.

I don't know if it's the stress, or the graduation anxiety, or the lack of sleep and not remembering to eat, or some hormonal/neurochemical thing, but I've really been having a hard time, lately. I'm tired, and cranky, and I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything but sit around in my pajamas with M and play video games. Also, people have been writing SO MUCH SHINY, and I haven't had the spare time/energy/emotional well-being to read any of it for weeks and eeeeeeeeh. *whine, bitch, moan, complain*

This is why no one has heard from me for weeks. H-hi guys! I still love you! Tell me what you're doing. <3

Argh. Argh.

I am going to graduate in May. Probably. Assuming the school actually lets me take every class I need to next semester, and assuming they haven't lied to me about things filling requirements. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I'm going to do after that. Work? AHAhahah. Probably not. Graduate school? Maybe, depending on deadlines. But for what? And THEN what do I do with it? I AM NOT ACTUALLY COMPETENT IN ANYTHING YOU GUYS. D:

This winter semester thing is fun. 3 units in 10 days sounds like a great idea, and it does keep me from getting bored and blowing the class off. But it's also a week's worth of work every day. For two weeks. Complete with tests and papers. And it starts at 8am, whether or not I'm able to get to sleep before 3am. So I haven't slept more than five hours in a row since monday last week, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone ever again.

Despite original disagreements, I think we've gotten people to agree to the guest-list being roughly 40 people? For now? We'll see, I guess. To me, that's like...jeezus, FORTY PEOPLE? Do I know that many people? But we had like 100 to start with. I was foreseeing mad panic attacks or completely drugged-out incoherence in my future. :Db Good times! No seriously, can we just run away? Elvis can marry us, and we'll just hide out until everyone forgets we ever said anything. Okay? Okay? Bueller?

And to top it all off, I'm getting sick, and haven't been able to keep any food down except a few crackers since this morning. ROCK.

-Walked Finn around an increasingly-crowded local park. Christmas displays are A++. Cute construction-worker girl who petted Finn, A++. Creepy-ass hordes of drunk-at-10am businessmen? F-.

-Went to class. This should not feel like an accomplishment.

-Did not nap! (self, why are you so tired all the time these days, wtf?)

-Sat around on the couch for a few hours, vaguely screwing around on the computer and sulking for all the time that I wasn't napping.

-Did my reading for American Lit. :Db Poe is kind of fucking awesome; somehow, I always forget.

-Realized that filing my graduation paperwork meant I had to start figuring out wtf I'm going to do with myself after school. Since it looks like we won't be moving to Seattle after all--or, at least, not in January anyway--I get to start back at the beginning on this. Just as I had gotten accustomed to the idea, too. >:( Spent two hours or so crying/freaking out my dog.

-Half-way done with the AmerLit paper I was supposed to be writing yesterday. >.> This is...like progress?

-Lost two turns to re-reading bits of Z/C/S christmas-fluff. Did not pass 'Go'. Paper still incomplete.

-Moar screwing around on the internet, IJ not least. Sigh. Can I just hide now?

I've been riding the buses a lot lately. Not to get anywhere, just to ride. Also, my sleeping habits are shot to hell; I keep sleeping when I'm not tired just to avoid having to figure out what to do with myself, and then not being able to sleep all night because of nightmares/worrying/my brain generally hating me. These are not good signs for me.

Michael is being really successful right now with his programming thing--he was in the print version of the Wall Street Journal for crying out loud!--and Popcap basically told him, "tell us what we'd have to offer you to hire you right now". Which, I mean, is a great opportunity for him, and I totally do support him in pursuing it and everything, cause I mean...who gets that kind of offer? But... I don't know. I'm going to graduate pretty soon, and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself at that point. I don't want to be that far away from my family and all my friends--that kind of isolation was 90% of why I hated Hawaii so bad, and it's like...now we're going to do that again? And also I'm starting to feel kind of like...not like I'm in competition with someone exactly, but like I have to keep up with someone really driven and successful and ambitious, and it's been pretty thoroughly demonstrated that I don't do well with that.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I'm really sick of losing everything and having to start over from the beginning precisely as soon as I start to feel like maybe I've got my shit halfway together.

So, I'm standing at the little market today, trying to decide whether I care if my lemons are organic or not, and I hear this little click. Curious, I turn around, and there's some weirdo taking pictures of me and finn.

"Excuse me, wtf ru doin?" I ask. He goes off on some spiel about being from the Mercury News, doing a report on grocery stores, can he take my picture? I'm like--Don't you usually ask BEFOREHAND? No you cannot use my picture, you are creepy and kind of an asshole. Then he sort of sneers at me. "You know that's illegal?" he asks. Well. No. As a matter of fact, I didn't. No one had ever said anything at the market--some had actually stopped to pet finn--and honestly...I mean, I'm from Carmel. People bring their dogs to restaurants. I know some places prefer you don't, but...illegal?

I just went and paid, half-way through with my shopping, and went home. Seriously, wtf? I would understand someone asking me not to bring finn in--that'd been fine. But this guy was so offensive about it... I am sick, and pms-y, and do not understand why people feel the need to hassle me every time I leave the house by myself. I really don't. Also, I want my mommy. *four-year-old face*

Yesterday, Michael and I went to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner. He was a little way off, grabbing the cart, while I walked ahead into the store. I get a few feet through the door, and suddenly there's this very large man--maybe danny's age?-- looming over me a few inches away and behind my shoulder. "Partridge family, right? That tattoo--it's the partridge family symbol?" The tone of voice wasn't actively threatening, but it was definitely obnoxious; I said "Ha ha" in a monotone and walked off quickly, scared and spitting mad. I felt like...I'm just trying to buy rice, here. What the fuck gives him the right to try and start shit?

Michael catches up to me, and he's mad at me. Apparently, he heard my reply, looked up to see us already a foot or two apart, and had to stand there while the guy muttered his apology, looking completely lost as to why I would have behaved so rudely. Michael didn't know either.

The thing is, though, is that this isn't an isolated incident. I get strangers hassling me pretty close to every time I leave the house alone. Strangers will come up behind me and start touching my tattoo when I leave it bare, or I get comments like "OOoh--is that a penguin? Tough tat!" or "Yee-ah, I like chicks with tattoos, *leer*". I mean, I get hit on and have guys make derogatory remarks about other stuff too, not just my tattoo, but... y'know? I suspect rather strongly that any girls who read this will know what I'm talking about. Nothing big enough to really complain about or anything, but enough to leave you really uncomfortable, and maybe kind of scared. It pretty much never happens if I'm out with Mike, only when I'm alone.

So I'm standing there, just completely fed up that some stranger thinks it's funny or ok to try and threaten me when I'm just trying to get dinner--in an ankle-length skirt and loose tank-top!--and it turns out that, instead, I've actually just been really rude to someone who was only really socially inept instead of actively asshole-ish. And I feel really bad! And I catch myself thinking--well, I can deal with getting bothered or threatened or even hurt (because who doesn't get this kind of shit and immediately start thinking "well, if this got out of hand..."), but I don't think I can deal with being the kind of shrew who'd embarrass her mate in public. Which. True! But also kind of awful.

I've got no close to this post. I don't know what to think about it, or what I should have done. The incident bothers me, and I'm not really any closer to understanding why or feeling particularly calm about it. I know I over-reacted to the immediate situation; I knew it at the time. It's a really really minor thing on its own; it just happens so frequently. I don't know. I just reached the point where it was like--what gives you the right to get all up in my face? I'm not bothering anybody. I'm not even out on my own! You scared me and I don't appreciate it, ok? And then I felt like a total bitch for feeling that way.

Last night I went to bed at two, woke up at five, went to wake Michael up at eight (which put me back to sleep) and then woke up again at 9:30. WTF, self?

I have! Caught up on my mindless, obnoxious, unrelated to anything the hire add said it would be work for the internship, for the moment! Spent a week in Monterey--well, in Tia's house--taking care of her, since the blood clot means she doesn't get around so well atm! Made Jam! Made crazy-delicious apple pie! Cleaned my house which, oh g-d, did it ever need! Called the insurance people! Called the restaurant that overcharged us! Gone down and picked up my medicine! Worried a lot about: school, the fire down in big sur, Tia, my mom, Tiana, Sam, Danny, our lease running out and what to do after, school, whether I suck so bad at writing I should never do it again, whether I should take a concentration in technical writing, and, just for kicks, a lot of school.

I have not! Written the romance challenge piece that I wanted, or even outlined it satisfactorily. Got my shit together to see Greta I'M SORRY! or Zeana or basically anyone. Watched Hellboy 2 Hot royal elf action??. Figured out what I want to do for my birthday. Given Matt his birthday present/dinner. GONE DOWN TO TALK TO THE SCHOOL GUY OMG SELF YOU HAVE TO REGISTER LIKE YESTERDAY D: .

Nightmares: Down to roughly one a week, give or take. Woke up convinced I was lying in bed next to a corpse, this week. Yay. -_-;

Birthday mathoms written/drawn/whatever: 1 1/2

Times I've wished it were september already: 97,923,759,723,857,293,485,723,985

Amounts bid on my LLM post: $50, and $35, respectively.

I'm at a place emotionally the last couple of days where I kind of want to hole up in my room and not have to interact with anyone at all. Not that people have been mean or that I'm upset with anyone or anything like that! But like... dealing with people right now is literally just so exhausting. :( I think end-of-semester stress is creeping up on me. It's like... "Self! You can't just curl up in bed and alternate tea-paper writing-kitten pictures until autumn comes! It doesn't work like that!" orz

So. So yeah. If I'm not as forthcoming about talking/hanging out as people would like, plz not to be taking it personally?

*hides*

I've been having kind of a rough week. Have de-emo-ifying stuff.

( Sho=Lolcat? )

Caesar's Palace, 'Burn the City Down' Because any song this mellow that also suggests burning the whole city down in the chorus is automatically happy-making.

Mindless Self Indulgence, 'Shut Me Up' I could say something about how, as a woman, I've been conditioned to identify with the "you" in song lyrics, and how that "you" is almost always powerless and objectified, and how in light of that, I really somehow enjoy a song that says "I can't wait for you to shut me up; I can't wait for you to fuck me up," but I won't. Instead, I'll just say that this song has a great beat and when getting out of bed in the morning sounds just too hard? This makes it a lot easier.

Youtube = occasionally traumatizing. This is. Um. It'll either make you lol until you can't breathe or lose all faith in humanity. Um.

( Lolchocobo, because I really am that much of a geek. )

What makes you guys happy?

So, I've never been all that good with kanji, but I got through before by a very slick combination of a) having lenient teachers who like the fact that I speak pretty well, and b)being ok with getting b's and c's.

This class. D: ( WOEZ )

And here I am, twelve hours or so later, still so upset about it I can't sleep, and distractions don't seem to be helping. :(

Is it can be hugz tiem now plz?