Clinical Depression and Spoon Theory
I hear people say to me, a lot, things like: "I broke up with my boyfriend and I'm just so depressed," or "Yeah, I know how depression is, I was totally sad when I failed my test last week." And I feel for those people, I really do, because being sad sucks. It sucks a lot, and I'm sorry for them. But, you know, that's not really Depression, capital 'D'.

The Spoon Theory is a metaphor by Christine Miserandino to explain her experiences living with Lupus. Now, of course, Depression and Lupus are really different--but in the way that she's talking about here, the metaphor works very well too to explain what living with Depression is like. Sitting in a diner, she gathers up a handful of spoons and gives them to her friend. "Being healthy is like having infinate spoons. But when you're sick, you only have so many. Each day, each thing you want to do is going to cost you a spoon." Go and read the whole story, it's only two pages, I'll wait.

Back?

Living with depression is the same. When it's bad, you have many ten spoons, and you spend one getting out of bed, two showering and getting dressed, another to fix yourself breakfast--and then you've spent half of your spoons for the whole day and you haven't even left the house. Now, medicine helps a lot--take your meds and then you have maybe twenty or thirty spoons. And when your chemistry is good, maybe you go up to forty and you're functioning almost as well as a healthy person. But they're never infinate and it never goes away. Every single thing you do, every single day, you have to think about how you're going to spend your energy. And, given the nature of Depression as a mental/emotional illness, things like "Is it really worth it to go do 'x'?" or "Friend 'Y' is all upset about something! D:" cost spoons too. The other day a minor family drama over the wedding had me non-functional for around 30 hours straight, because everyone I cared about was all upset, even with the meds and doing better recently. And it might get better, for a while, but it's never ever going to completely go away, and it's going to get worse sometimes too. That's the body and the life I have.

So what's my point, besides trying to help people understand a little better? My point is that it's not personal, if I decide at the last minute that I just can't hang out. It's not a lack of love if I don't get mad/upset on your behalf when you're fighting with someone. If I don't return your call right away because I got home and crashed, even if you don't think I do enough to have 'earned' being that tired? Relax, okay? It's really really not about you. And if you know other people who live with depression, or with other chronic illnesses (especially invisible ones), then cut them some slack, for me. We're doing the best we can, even if it's not your best.