Lissiel's Journal

Shamelessly copy-pasted from the emails I sent my mom as we went along.

( Days 1-3 )

( Days 4 and 5 )

( Day 6 )

( Day 7 )

( Day 9-End )

It's been a while since I made one of these 4am posts! Random thoughts, because I'm too sleep-depped to make a coherent post:

0.There will be a post about Japan, which may possibly also contain wedding pictures/pictures of finn being an attention h0r at the wedding, at some point in the future. When I have my scanner unpacked and can be bothered have brain to write it up. That day is not today.

1. The french prime minister has/wants to ban burkas, saying that they are disempowering to women. Leaving aside the--to me obvious--objection that truly empowered women could probably be trusted to dress themselves in the morning, I feel that there are valid reasons why a woman might choose to dress that way. I, for instance, sometimes prefer to go out in headscarves, etc.-- not for any religious reason, but because I don't appreciate being stared at, whistled at, commented on, or touched by random strangers who think that seeing my body means that they have some innate right to it. Amazingly, I get hassled a lot less when I wear modest dress. >:(

b) Star trek. Thanks to the icon in this post, I now think of that caption every time I see this scene. Some of this is probably just me being desperate for more-or-less openly bisexual characters in mass media (I know that they deleted the scene where Spock Prime is still carrying around the holo-letter that kirk taped him however many hundred years ago, just, you know, on his person during a completely unrelated mission, but...if that's non-romantic, it still speaks of a devotion stronger than most marriages... but the relationship with Uhura implies so many interesting things about Spock's character! D:) but I really like all the interactions between Uhura, Spock, and Kirk in the new film. See this video for further reference. I feel kind of dirty, because... Kirk/Spock is like...your mom's OTP, and I think my dad ships Spock/Uhura. But. I think I totally ship Kirk/Spock/Uhura. (/Bones. Maybe)(/Chapel) Er. This is going to be like Final Fantasy 7 all over again, isn't it? -_-;

B2. Spock and Kirk are a rather famous hero-dyad, but also, has anyone seen the trailers for the new Sherlock Holmes movie with Jude Law? UNF. And now I want to write a paper about the homosocial implications of the hero-dyad genre in modern media. >.> Clearly, English was the right choice of majors for me.

3)My house is so full of boxes you guys. It's all crazy. Moving always feels so surreal to me, with your house all empty and all your stuff gone or packed away... Finn is very concerned too. He keeps hiding behind michael's knees, and climbing up into my lap begging for cuddles and laying around looking generally abused. Mike and I think he's half-convinced we're getting ready to abandon him. We've been sneaking him popsicles to make him feel better.

I dreamed last night that I was in my grandmother's house, getting dressed for my wedding, talking to my mom. I could smell that weird wood/grass/dust scent that's always in her house, and my mom was freaking out over how to wear the veil, and I was just sitting there, really calm and really quiet.

This is really going to happen, isn't it?

I hear people say to me, a lot, things like: "I broke up with my boyfriend and I'm just so depressed," or "Yeah, I know how depression is, I was totally sad when I failed my test last week." And I feel for those people, I really do, because being sad sucks. It sucks a lot, and I'm sorry for them. But, you know, that's not really Depression, capital 'D'.

The Spoon Theory is a metaphor by Christine Miserandino to explain her experiences living with Lupus. Now, of course, Depression and Lupus are really different--but in the way that she's talking about here, the metaphor works very well too to explain what living with Depression is like. Sitting in a diner, she gathers up a handful of spoons and gives them to her friend. "Being healthy is like having infinate spoons. But when you're sick, you only have so many. Each day, each thing you want to do is going to cost you a spoon." Go and read the whole story, it's only two pages, I'll wait.

Back?

Living with depression is the same. When it's bad, you have many ten spoons, and you spend one getting out of bed, two showering and getting dressed, another to fix yourself breakfast--and then you've spent half of your spoons for the whole day and you haven't even left the house. Now, medicine helps a lot--take your meds and then you have maybe twenty or thirty spoons. And when your chemistry is good, maybe you go up to forty and you're functioning almost as well as a healthy person. But they're never infinate and it never goes away. Every single thing you do, every single day, you have to think about how you're going to spend your energy. And, given the nature of Depression as a mental/emotional illness, things like "Is it really worth it to go do 'x'?" or "Friend 'Y' is all upset about something! D:" cost spoons too. The other day a minor family drama over the wedding had me non-functional for around 30 hours straight, because everyone I cared about was all upset, even with the meds and doing better recently. And it might get better, for a while, but it's never ever going to completely go away, and it's going to get worse sometimes too. That's the body and the life I have.

So what's my point, besides trying to help people understand a little better? My point is that it's not personal, if I decide at the last minute that I just can't hang out. It's not a lack of love if I don't get mad/upset on your behalf when you're fighting with someone. If I don't return your call right away because I got home and crashed, even if you don't think I do enough to have 'earned' being that tired? Relax, okay? It's really really not about you. And if you know other people who live with depression, or with other chronic illnesses (especially invisible ones), then cut them some slack, for me. We're doing the best we can, even if it's not your best.

For my reference, and also for perusing as a sanity-saving device: a list of books that I will read/re-read once I graduate next month and--for the first time in years it feels like--I will have all the time I want to read books that aren't required for some class or other.

The Illuminatus!trilogy
Book of Lost Tales
House of Leaves
The Japanese Mind: Understanding Contemporary Japanese Culture
Corambris (Doctrine of Labyrinths series)
Haunted Highways: Spooky Stories, Strange Happenings, and Supernatural Sightings
Loveless Vol.9
Swordspoint: A melodrama of manners
Dragonsong/Dragonsinger/Dragondrums
The Perilous Gard
Neuromancer
Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell

Do you guys have any recommendations? They can but do not have to be great literature (tm)--I imagine I'll have a good portion of time where I want stupid trash too. I'm kind of absurdly excited about this. <3

1. My puppy--because he literally follows me everywhere. I can't go to the bathroom without coming out and finding him sulking pitifully in the hall about how mommy has cruelly abandoned him and will never ever come out because the evil bath has probably eaten her. <3

2. M, because he is totally my BFF, and for putting up with all my crazy.

3. L, because the new setting sounds really really shiny, and I am so stupidly excited to see what comes of it. I'm already so, so in love with your main lady, you have no idea.

4. The sun, which is finally coming back to town. Hi, mister! I missed you! Hang out with us for a while this time, okay? :Db

5. Arashi, in general, for happy music and for playing with grandparents and little kids and for boob pudding and for the fact that, at least half of the time I'm watching them, my reaction is a variation on "wow, guys, that was really heterosexual. O.O" But also, specifically, Jun for being so sincere in everything he does, working so hard and loving his bandmates so crazy much and always insisting on being introduced as "Arashi's Matsumoto Jun". Aiba for being a giant pervert (how much do I love him for not being messed up about his sexuality like, oh, everyone else on the planet? A LOT, OKAY?) and also for the puppies. Nino for being such a little SHIT about EVERYTHING EVER and giving his bandmates hell because he loves them. laksdgalksgh NEVER STOP, OKAY? Sho for his UTTER FAIL at sounding tough when he raps, because once you know a guy flew home on a weekend from filming just to help his little brother with his homework, you can never be intimidated by that man again, no matter how buff he is. And Ohno for a lot of reasons, because a;lksdgasgh MY ICHIBAN <3. (But if you need a specific reason, his hands will spawn a new fetish for you:)


What makes you guys happy?

Can we, collectively, drop the trope that penetrative sex is equivalent to stabbing and/or inherently violent in nature now please? As a society?

Also? THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

This post was almost titled "I would hit that in a New York Second". Cause, um, WOW.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_EfVtiUBSc&feature=channel

Also, Tokyo Hotel?


...I am not learning German now. T.T Who said German guys could be hot now? And he's a twin. Cripes.

/Edit: Oh man. IOWA got marriage equality before we did? Fail, California. Faaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiil. -_-;

My grandmom and aunt made M his favorite kind of cheesecake, with homegrown fresh strawberry topping for his birthday. FROM SCRATCH.

I've never made him cheesecake--especially not the real, baked kind. OR grown him strawberries worth the name. DAMN YOU, FAMILY. WHY MUST YOU SET THE BAR SO HIGH? D:

I'm so dying of lol. <3

So, Cal made a post a few days ago about gender-expression and naturalization in the context of role-play. I didn't comment there, because it didn't seem appropriate to a post that was mostly talking about one person's individual feelings on the subject? But I've been thinking a lot about what xie said, and I think I'd like to tl;dr about it as well, a little bit.

( Femininity, Performance, Pleasure, and the Teal Deer )

And now, to make up for the tl;dr, have a pic of Finn begging at the picnic I had with my family this morning. <3

Assuming I don't fail any of my classes this semester please, self, please get your shit together, I will have a BA in roughly 11 weeks.

That game company is talking to M about coming up this summer, or early in the fall, to work full-time for them. So! We may be moving to Seattle after all, and pretty soon. geezus I wish they'd just make a decision about something all this back and forth is driving me crazy.

If we do move in, say, late August, it would make sense to have the wedding before we go. So June or July. Er. I think we're going to do super-soakers and Guitar hero. Because formal receptions are for pussies.

After that... um. I have no idea? The graduate program (in medieval lit! OMG YOU GUYS, A WHOLE PROGRAM IN MEDIEVAL LIT. O.O) that I'm interested in, I learn I should have applied to back in November? Er. So. I fail! I guess I'll do something non-or-only-vaguely academic next semester and try to apply for next year. What that might be, though... um. Is a good question!

I'm hoping, since spring break is coming up, and we're starting to look like we know what's going to be going on, a bit, that I'll feel like doing some art. I haven't drawn anything serious since December, and I really, really don't like that. Though I did draw a set of dr. seuss-esque emu and kiwis down the sides of my notes last week that turned out pretty cute. Not much beats tiny panicking fluffy birds. <3

And that's what I know! What are you guys up to?

Writing down the recipe so I don't forget it later, because this? Is super-mecha-tasty. <3

Take!
One bag baby carrots
Olive oil
One thumb-size or slightly larger piece of ginger root
half a medium onion, or a couple of shallots
about half a bulb of garlic (or less, if you're not as in love with garlic as I am)
some salt and pepper
Veggie broth of some sort

Do!
Boil the hell out of the carrots until they're soft enough you can turn them into a big bowl and mash them.

In the same pot, pour a little olive oil and saute on medium heat (so the juices come out and the ginger doesn't burn--DON'T USE HIGH HEAT, SELF. ) the onions, garlic, and ginger.

Pour in about half a carton of broth, heat to just below boiling.

Pour in the mashed carrots, mix, add more broth if needed for a reasonable soup-consistency. Add salt/pepper as you like (sweet veggie broth may need more salt).

Give the rest of the broth to the dog for his dinner so he'll stop telling you he's never gotten to eat anything ever in his whole life and he's so hungry mommy poor starving dog. O.O

Note that this, despite the main ingredient, isn't a sweet soup. The garlic and ginger leave it pretty spicy. <3

Serve!
With a little parsley or something if you have it, or a dollop of sour cream if you're not vegan. A few slices of good toasted sourdough on the side wouldn't go amiss either. <3

Because apparently I can get a lot done so long as I don't have to think any further than the next thing on the list? -_-;

School
Aikido paper [ x ]
Azn St. reading [ ]
Phil. Sci. ch. 5 [ x ]
Phil. Sci. ch. 6 [ x ]
Phil. Sci. Midterm [ x ]
Phil. Sci. paper 1 [ ]
Geo. Readings [ x ]
Geo. Paper 1 [ ]
Geo. Memorize Geological timescale [ x ]
Geo. Test-- next thurs [ ]
Eng. 174. Finish Fences [ x ]
Eng. 174. Start Song of Solomon [ x ]
Eng. 174 Finish paper 1 [ ]
Eng. 100w Paper 1 [ x ]
Go to Every Class [ x ]
Grad school paperwork? [ x ]

Home
Laundry [ ]
Dishes [ x ]
Pick-up [ x ]
Clean Bathroom [ x ]
Grocery shopping [ x ]
Make dinner [ x ]

Self
Shower [ x ]
Eat breakfast [ x ]
Exercise at least 30 min [ x ]
Try to look nice? [ ]
Eat dinner [ x ]
Do not sleep 15+ hours per day [ x]
Counselor's wends, 2:30 [ x ]

I got my hair cut. It has long-ish layers now, that make it curl instead of frizz weirdly. The lady took more off the ends than I wanted though. It's maybe three, four inches from my belt? At least I don't need to worry about tucking it into my pants anymore.

Have read Rabbit, Run, Native Son, Evolution and Why it Matters, The Analects of K'ung Tsu, The Daxue (Higher Education) and Xiao Jing (Classic of Filial Piety), half of Graham's Disputers of the Tao, On the Warrior's Path, and The Art of Peace. Since two weeks ago. And I still have quite a bit more I'm supposed to have done. Why did I think 18 units was a good idea again?

Been playing with the slow cooker I got for Christmas. I love how convenient it is, but somehow everything I cook in it sucks. Tasteless, and unevenly cooked. :/ I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Valentines day is coming up. I guess this year we should really do something for that. Er. That doesn't involve taking the long weekend and just sleeping and catching up on homework. Probably. I don't know.

I don't know if it's the stress, or the graduation anxiety, or the lack of sleep and not remembering to eat, or some hormonal/neurochemical thing, but I've really been having a hard time, lately. I'm tired, and cranky, and I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything but sit around in my pajamas with M and play video games. Also, people have been writing SO MUCH SHINY, and I haven't had the spare time/energy/emotional well-being to read any of it for weeks and eeeeeeeeh. *whine, bitch, moan, complain*

This is why no one has heard from me for weeks. H-hi guys! I still love you! Tell me what you're doing. <3

I got up this morning and--as I do every day--stumbled mostly-asleep through making my first cup of tea. I boiled the water, got the tea and the sugar measured out just right, poured in the last of the cold soymilk which was just the right amount...and then dropped the whole giant cup square on my foot, brusing my toe and burning my legs and making a big mess.

"Well that sucks," I think, but I kind of laugh at it a little and clean up, change into my day-clothes, before making another cup.

I take THIS cup over to sit at my computer so I can check my email and drink tea, like I do every morning, you know, sit it down so I can type some, reach over to pick it up so I can take a sip...AND DROP THE WHOLE THING. AGAIN. All over myself and my computer. Now my clothes for the day are sopping, my computer is a glitchy piece of toast that won't even type, I'm burned on my legs AND chest, and I've still not gotten a drop of tea. I'm done.

I'm going back to bed.

http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/Road_signs_warn_of_zombies

Today, some hackers in Texas have officially won at life.

Predictably, the city of Austin throws a hissy fit over it, citing public safety even though no problems whatsoever manifested from the hack. *sigh*

Argh. Argh.

I am going to graduate in May. Probably. Assuming the school actually lets me take every class I need to next semester, and assuming they haven't lied to me about things filling requirements. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I'm going to do after that. Work? AHAhahah. Probably not. Graduate school? Maybe, depending on deadlines. But for what? And THEN what do I do with it? I AM NOT ACTUALLY COMPETENT IN ANYTHING YOU GUYS. D:

This winter semester thing is fun. 3 units in 10 days sounds like a great idea, and it does keep me from getting bored and blowing the class off. But it's also a week's worth of work every day. For two weeks. Complete with tests and papers. And it starts at 8am, whether or not I'm able to get to sleep before 3am. So I haven't slept more than five hours in a row since monday last week, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone ever again.

Despite original disagreements, I think we've gotten people to agree to the guest-list being roughly 40 people? For now? We'll see, I guess. To me, that's like...jeezus, FORTY PEOPLE? Do I know that many people? But we had like 100 to start with. I was foreseeing mad panic attacks or completely drugged-out incoherence in my future. :Db Good times! No seriously, can we just run away? Elvis can marry us, and we'll just hide out until everyone forgets we ever said anything. Okay? Okay? Bueller?

And to top it all off, I'm getting sick, and haven't been able to keep any food down except a few crackers since this morning. ROCK.

Michael proposed to me on new years eve. Down on one knee and everything, right at the stroke of midnight. I nodded frantically, and when I could speak again, told him yes.

We haven't picked a date or anything yet.; we both definitely want to finish school first, though if he leaves in August and SJSU kindly refrains from dicking me into another semester, that puts us at "anytime after next summer," so. Hopefully, it'll be a very small, stress- and drama-free undertaking.

<3

THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER.

World History, with adorable bisho's instead of countries, in webcomic format. YES. I know. My brain explodes with the awesome too. <3

Canada, in particular, is amazing. <333

Heater still broken. It was so cold this morning. ): So we baked cinnamon buns and ate them warm, curled up under the blankets. Super plus A+.

Then we went to see the Nutcracker, Michael and Cristina and I. It was fun: good dancing, pretty costumes and scenery. They changed up the plot of the second act a lot though, and cut out a lot of my favorite scenes in favor of the same chick doing variations on the same dance some four or five times in a row, which was kind of argh.

That used up pretty much all of the social I had amassed at that point though, so we grabbed some food and came home and tucked up on the couch with Finn the Amazing CuddlePuppy! and finished Fatal Frame 2. The twincest is a little blatant, but I really really love the atmosphere of those games; I know they're crawling with ghosts and demons and stuff, but I would totally live in any of those houses. They are beautiful.

And then it was only like 9 o'clock, so we're starting a replay of Kingdom Hearts 1. Man. The first time through, I watched my friend Charlie from high school play. I wonder what ever happened to him? I haven't talked to him in forever, and he was awesome. <3 So nostalgic tonight. That intro music always has made me wibbly.

There are many worlds,
But they all share the same sky--
One sky, one destiny.

♥, you guys.